track 40: make it home

One of my favorite things about working at Toys R Us was that it meant I wasn't always able to go out of town with my family. My stepfather's family had a place on Marco Island that they'd go to pretty often. Once in a while, it was fun, but frankly, staying at home for a weekend by myself was AWESOME. I would usually close on Friday nights, I think, and then not have to go back in till Sunday. So on Saturday, I would order a pizza for myself, put together jigsaw puzzles and listen to CDs. Ok, probably not your average 20 year old's ideal weekend, but for me it was bliss. I remember playing Belly a lot. Also, I was into a few bands from K Records at the time, specifically Lois (Butterfly Kiss and Strumpet are gorgeous lo-fi masterpieces) and Tiger Trap (whose self titled and only album is one of my ultimate favorites). I also remember listening to the 4 Non-Blondes album Bigger! Better! Faster! More! , but I think I only liked the single. However, the one I remember listening to and singing along with the most was Juliana Hatfield's solo debut, Hey Babe.



I used to listen to the UM radio station, WVUM, with my finger on the record button of my tape player. I'd tape the songs that stood out for me. I taped "Do you love me now?" by the Breeders, followed immediately by "Turning Japanese" by the Vapors. To this day everytime I hear "DYLMN?" I expect to hear the opening notes of "Turning Japanese" at the end of the song. One of the songs that I taped was "Everybody loves me but you." Juliana had that combination of melancholy and pop that I loved. "Everybody loves me but you" is what hooked me, "Forever baby" got me even more addicted and "Ugly" is one of my personal anthems. Sometime between Hey Babe and her album Become What You Are, Juliana toured with The B-52's. When they played Miami, she did an in-store appearance at Yesterday and Today Records on Bird Road. I was excited about it and took the bus to see her. I remember it being a sad day because I had heard the day before that my high school friend Kristi's mom had lost her battle with cancer. It was the first time that someone I was somewhat close to had died. They were having a funeral up in Alabama and I wouldn't be going. My mom encouraged me to go see Juliana anyway. I stood at the back of the crowd, happy to see her playing. She was signing after the show and I had brought the insert from her "Forever Baby" single with me. I had it in my jacket pocket so when I approached her and pulled it out she gave me this odd look kind of like, "Okay... where did that come from?" She signed it "Juliana Hatfield -XO"



In August of 1994, a TV show that I had heard a lot about premiered: "My So-Called Life." It had all of this buzz, really positive reviews, so I taped the first episode. It made me cry. I totally got that show and the character of Angela Chase. Even today I can relate. So much so that last week, when I happened to find some of my old journals and writing, one of the quotes I had at the beginning was from the show:

"But that's the part that's so unfair. I have NOTHING else on my mind.
How come I have to be the one sitting around analyzing him in like,
microscopic detail and he gets to be the one with
OTHER things on his mind?" -Angela Chase, "My So-Called Life"

I thought it was funny that the quote is still insanely relevant. I know that she was a 15-year old female TV character and I was a 20-year old gay lad, but I got being the self conscious, insecure person crushing on someone beautiful and unattainable. I'm 35 now and I still feel that way. Even the story of the first episode, feeling misunderstood by her family and her old friends, making friends with a couple of wilder outsiders... I had done that pretty much. I even dyed my hair red first. I remember the next day, I watched it at my dad's house. He didn't like it. He was just like "what's her problem?" But I didn't care, I was addicted. I taped every episode that aired and was heartbroken when it ended.




On the show's Christmas episode, "So-Called Angels," Juliana Hatfield appeared as a mysterious girl Angela meets. She sings a song, leads Angela's mom to find her and her runaway friend Rickie, and then disappears. At the end of the episode there is a moment that suggests that Juliana was actually a spirit, an angel. The song she sang was called "Make it home" and I recognized it right away. She had played it at the record store. It was beautiful and heartbreaking. When I remembered why it was familiar, it reminded me of Kristi's mom and it probably always will.

next time: kiss me, please kiss me - but kiss me out of desire, baby, not consolation